It’s the bickering between brothers and sisters that drives parents up the wall. So what can we do to keep sibling rivalry in check?
According to the Raising Children Network, siblings under the age of five can fight as often as once every 10 minutes. So if you feel like erecting a white flag in your living room, you’re certainly not alone.
Sibling rivalry can kick in even before the second child is born and typically continues as your kids grow and compete for everything from your attention to a turn with the new Lego set. There are a host of other contributing factors, too – some kids just possess feistier personalities than others, while evolving needs and anxieties also play a part.
What not to do
The good news is that sibling disagreements are actually beneficial. “These battles provide kids with a healthy way of working out how best to behave in relationships in a relatively safe learning environment,” says clinical psychologist and media commentator Sally-Anne McCormack. “They teach children really good lessons about conflict resolution, negotiation and self-control.”
For this reason, she says, “We need to let them try and resolve their differences and to only intervene if someone is getting hurt – either physically or verbally, or if they are obviously unable to sort out the problem.”
As frustrating as it is to hear our kids squabbling, if we jump in at the first sign of a quarrel there’s also a danger of sending the wrong message. “One child will see that you’re siding with another and you’re potentially teaching the aggressor that they have to be more underhand in future, and the more passive child that they’re not capable of looking after themselves,” warns McCormack. By the same token, she advises parents to only separate their kids when they really need to. “The aim is to help your children work together,” she says.
Promoting peace
While we should try to stay on the sidelines when arguments break out, there’s plenty parents can do to improve their kids’ chances of getting along. On this score McCormack’s advice is to take action as early as possible. “You can start when the new sibling comes home by saying ‘Our new baby belongs to our family; it’s not mummy and daddy’s baby’ so the other child doesn’t feel threatened.”
That said, McCormack believes that it’s never too late to make a difference. Whether your kids are still in nappies or you’re navigating the first few years of school, here are her top tips for promoting a more harmonious household:
- Don’t play favourites and be careful with comparisons, even things that seem insignificant such as ‘Johnny was always a better sleeper’; this can just cause further conflict.
- Treat them fairly – this isn’t about treating all your children equally but treating them according to their individual strengths and needs. It’s important for their self-esteem to learn to value themselves for who they are.
- Spend time with each child – both one-on-one time and time together. This way they won’t feel quite so compelled to compete for your attention.
- Model good behaviour – this also means controlling your own anger even when your kids are failing to control theirs.
An extra helping hand
Despite your best efforts there may still be times when your kids need more guidance. “If damage is being done, there’s no equity in their disputes and they’re happening repeatedly, then parents need to teach their children the skills they need to better manage conflict,” says McCormack.
Unlike intervening, this is more about giving your children a gentle prod in the right direction and is best done away from a specific event when things are calm. Family meetings are a good tool in this regard. “You can talk about ways to behave in certain scenarios: ‘If your big brother says or does this and you feel angry, hurt, jealous, this is what you can do.’ This helps to validate your childrens’ feelings, too” says McCormack.
“Sitting down together regularly also provides the opportunity to review what went well over the past week or so: ‘Did you try not hitting back when this happened, or telling mum/dad – and how did that go?’” she adds.
Above all, it’s important for parents to remember that children do grow up. The fighting will lessen as they get older and these sibling squabbles are an essential first step towards polishing their social skills.
This story was first published in an edited form on Bupa site The Blue Room in July, 2015.
